I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
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I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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