she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
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I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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