i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So many bounce houses so little time
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
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You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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