I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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