dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
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They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
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You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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