I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
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Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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