Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize