It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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