what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
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His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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