I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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