oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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