just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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