we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
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Oh Jesus.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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