i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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