Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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