Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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