Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
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Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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