He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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