We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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