I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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