Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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