I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
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On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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