Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
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Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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