my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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