If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize