I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
two words: eviction party
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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