I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
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Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
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I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
my poor anus
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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