I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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