she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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