I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
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AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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