I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
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Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
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Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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