weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
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I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
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She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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