is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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