My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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