I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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