If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
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She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
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Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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