Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
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yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Watching her eat just hurts me
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Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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