the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
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We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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