i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
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I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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