Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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