Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
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Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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