if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
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Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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