dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
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Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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