Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
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About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Enjoy the penises
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I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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