i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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