I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
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im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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