All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
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since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
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Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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