Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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