He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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