i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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